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ISBN: 0-7570-0010-X
Length: 240 Pages
Size: 6 X
9-inch
Format: Quality Paperback
Category: Self-Help / Psychology
Price: $12.95
Availability:
In Print
Click below for:
Synopsis • Contents
Introduction • Reviews |
Synopsis
We all live our lives according to a set of
rules. Each of our behaviors is regulated by a rule. Some rules
we know. Others, however, are unconscious. These are our secret
rules. When we do things that go against these secret rules, we
experience stress, anxiety, apprehension, and emotional exhaustion--and
we never know why. That is, until now. In this book, Dr. Jordan
Weiss offers a unique system that uncovers our most secret rules.
The book begins by explaining the important
roles that conscious and unconscious rules play in our daily existence.
Subsequent chapters focus on key areas of our lives--money, religion,
gender identification, work, friendships, health, power, personal
statement, marriage, and sex. Each chapter contains challenging
questions meant to be answered by the reader. The answers offered
provide a personal look at how we would behave when faced with specific
situations. At the end of each chapter is an analysis of potential
answers that is designed to reveal the extent of our secret rules.
Our Secret Rules concludes
by explaining how we can use our newly gained insights to improve
the way we feel about ourselves and others. For once we know our
rules, we can then learn to live within them, or we can attempt
to change them.
Dr.
Jordan Weiss received his medical
degree from the University of Illinois Medical School in Chicago.
With an emphasis on the body-mind-spirit connection, he worked at
several leading complementary medical centers. A practicing psychiatrist
for over twenty years, Dr. Weiss currently works at Irvine’s Center
for Psychoenergetic Therapy. He is the author of several published
articles on emotional responses, and is a highly regarded speaker.
Contents
How
to Use This Book
Introduction
1. Money
2. Work
and Career
3. Gender
Roles
4. Power
and Control
5. Health
6. Personal
Expression
7. Friendship
8. Spirituality
9. Sex
10. Love
Conclusion
Index
Introduction
We humans are an orderly lot. We have rules regulating any and every aspect of behavior. There are rules that we learn during the very first years of life, such as rules for basic survival and rules that govern family behavior. Then there are rules we apply to friendship, school, work, courtship, and marriage. And don’t forget about all those rules that apply to activities such as playing sports, driving cars, eating meals, tipping at restaurants, crossing streets…rules, rules, rules! Over the course of our early years, we gather thousands of rules. You’d think that by the time we hit adulthood, if we’d just follow the patterns created by all of the rules, we’d have everything under control. We’d know the necessary things about life and how best to achieve our goals. That sounds logical enough! But, of course, it’s never quite that simple.
WHAT’S THE BIG SECRET?
Why do bright and thoughtful people who know the rules of life find it so difficult to bring work, family, relationships--all of it--together successfully? Why do so many of us feel disappointed? How is it possible, in this age of enlightenment, therapy, and untold numbers of self-help books, that we continue to feel stressed and unfulfilled?
Perhaps it has to do with what we think we know about ourselves versus the real truth about ourselves. We think we know our own rules because we can articulate various goals, preferences, and values. We think we’re following the rules when everything looks right on paper and in public. But, as this book will explain, underneath our stated goals, preferences, and values is a deeper truth--the one encompassing our secret rules. Each one of us has our own set of secret rules that influences us to some degree, on some–usually unconscious--level.
A person’s secret rules may not agree with society’s rules, be consistent with the culture’s routine, or sit well with family beliefs. And when real life doesn’t harmonize with these secret rules, stress, anger, and disappointment result. Interestingly, the vast majority of individuals never identify and study their secret rules, and therefore never resolve the conflicts caused by friction between their present lives and what their secret rules demand.
Secret rules aren’t that simple, either. Some are good for us, and some are bad for us. We don’t listen closely enough to some of them, while we unconsciously let other secret rules dominate our lives. You see, over the course of our early years, we accept many established rules and make them part of our secret rules. Some of these work well with our natures, but others do not. Therefore, we hold secret rules that run contrary to what would be best for our lives.
In addition, there are secret rules we have formed after certain experiences but that ultimately prove unhealthy. And then there are the healthy secret rules that we simply ignore, because on the outside, they are uncomfortable to obey. As a result, life becomes further riddled with anxiety.
Let me emphasize the point that while some of our secret rules are directly influenced by culture, religion, and family, we formulate our secret rules according to our own experiences, natures, and desires. These are the most powerful rules, for they are designed internally and are true to our most fundamental selves. If we can identify these most basic rules, we can follow the healthy secret rules more closely and eliminate the unhealthy ones, ultimately achieving happier, healthier lives. Isn’t it about time you stopped feeling so stressed out and let down?
CAN I REALLY REDUCE MY CHRONIC ANXIETY?
A vast number of people can reduce the disappointment and anxiety in their lives just by analyzing their secret rules and making a commitment to do something about them. And by taking the time simply to listen to yourself while searching for your secret rules, you will begin to recognize the capacity you have to control your life. That will certainly reduce your anxiety. After figuring out what you truly think and observe--as opposed to what you accept, follow, assume, or unconsciously pretend—you can craft a more fulfilling, more productive life. It all starts by asking yourself several probing questions designed to get to the heart of your beliefs and behaviors. We’ll do that over the next ten chapters.
It helps to look at a few examples. Take, for instance, a secret rule that many of us have but to which many of us don’t consciously admit: Never face any truth about yourself or your family that might be painful. Perhaps the word denial springs to mind. Another related and harmful secret rule is as follows: Anything that allows us to forget emotional pain is acceptable and necessary. Because of such secret rules, some parents refuse to have their children assessed for special education. Because of such secret rules, some people continue to overeat, abuse alcohol, and the like. Now what if you shine a light on these rules and truly face them? Then you have a better chance of realizing the absurdity and danger of such rules! Imagine how much different life could be once you realize the futility of these secret rules--how much they hurt you and those you love. So sometimes secret rules need changing. We can work on that.
Consider a man who has lived his life according to--and raised his children to believe in--the basic American values of equality and personal freedom. It’s been easy to claim belief in these values because this man has never really been challenged. One day, his daughter comes home with a wonderful partner—a man who is of a different racial background. The couple has a very healthy relationship. They announce that they are considering marriage. All of a sudden, the father finds himself getting angry. He has a bad attitude toward his daughter. He wakes up with tension knots and stress headaches every morning. On the outside, this man knows he would sound like a terrible bigot to discourage the marriage, so he tries to bury these tensions that are so unfamiliar and ugly to him. But one day it all explodes and he refuses to support such a union. His secret rules—rules he never really thought about, and never really had to think about before—are now manifesting as he tries to prevent the marriage.
If this man were to examine his deepest secret rules about equality and freedom, he would find that his perspective needs changing. If he were to be a hundred percent honest with himself, he wouldn’t let the anxiety consume him, nor would he explode with mean-spiritedness. Instead, he would steadily work to change the habits and attitudes that have been lurking below his stated values. And how much better off would he have been if he had read Your Secret Rules before the whole situation at hand? He’d be prepared! First, the father must discover and throw out his old rule that runs contrary to equality and freedom among all people. Perhaps his culture influenced his secret rules; perhaps he is just uncomfortable with change or the unfamiliar. Whatever the case, by identifying his secret rules and clarifying that they are inappropriate, he has the freedom to form a new secret rule that says, “A person should not be characterized, judged, accepted, or rejected according to his ethnic background.” Eliminating prejudice towards others by adjusting secret rules is a win-win situation. Every time we ask ourselves if we really need that rule about that group or person, we change ourselves and the world in which we live.
Remember, there are very good secret rules too. Sometimes listening to your secret rules is the very reason why you are spurred on to better things. In the early 1900s, what happened to a wife and mother who wanted to bring her talent into the business world? Her secret rule said, “You have a God-given talent. Use it to do as much as you can in this world.” At that time, however, society’s rules answered, “If you are a good woman, you will remain a full-time housewife and not invade the man’s work world.” The result was a great deal of internal conflict and confusion for such a woman. Fortunately, enough women who struggled with this issue began following their secret rules and eventually changed society, despite the initial prejudice and emotional pain. Now collectively, as a nation, we have looked at our secret rules regarding women and have concluded that equality between genders makes the world a better place--and simply makes sense.
So there is a great deal of benefit to be gained from identifying your secret rules and taking action to adjust them, where necessary. You will make life more effective and enjoyable for yourself, your loved ones, and the world at large. And this book will guide you through a large part of the self-examination, ready to prod you on when the going gets tough and to pat you on the back when you need a little support.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RULES AND LAWS?
A personal rule is a statement that prescribes a certain way you are supposed to be. It is a statement defining the behaviors that you expect yourself to live by. If you don’t follow a rule, as used in this context, there are negative consequences. The consequences range from mild feelings of irritation to profound feelings of failure. Personal rules can be fostered from the outside, in the form of religious requirements or family expectations, for example. But ultimately, you command yourself to obey these rules. After all, you can break as many social taboos as you desire and still feel powerful and triumphant, but break your own rules and you will pay dearly in the deepest of ways—guilt, loss of self-respect, internal anger.
A law is different than a rule. While a behavior that is expected or demanded of you is called a rule, a behavioral requirement that is clearly expected or demanded in society’s arena is called a law. The consequences of breaking a law are legally enforced from outside the self or family. Also, there are cultural customs that have the force of laws, and guilt or exclusion are used to enforce such value systems.
The bottom line is that the negative consequences for breaking a federal, state, or even cultural law come from external sources. Meanwhile, the source of the punishment for breaking one of your own rules is primarily internal. You can put yourself in jail long before the law does by breaking your own rules. After breaking a personal rule, you may even judge that you have lost the right to happiness, ultimately punishing yourself.
Your secret rules are so powerful that, in breaking one, you may determine that you are not entitled to love, prosperity, or harmony. A rule such as “Only weak people cry!” may convince you that emotions are bad and must be avoided at all costs. Your rules may even make you value money over love or law or country. They may hold that only the educated, wealthy, and beautiful are entitled to the best things that life has to offer. That’s why it is so important to assess your personal rules, and change the ones that can very well make life miserable. And for the record, unjust or inappropriate laws can be changed when enough people listen to their secret rules and start to affect change on the social, state, and federal levels.
It is also important to realize that secret rules are more powerful that any other rules. Yes, we even have levels of rules in our lives. There are rules we follow according to laws, rules we follow according to tradition, and the like. But our secret rules are the rules we follow according to ourselves. They are the primary forces directing behavior and action. That’s why an addict will sometimes destroy himself rather than face the truth about his condition. His secret rule, “Avoid what might be very painful to face,” dominates over the more obvious rule that says, “If you cannot function without relying on a substance, then you are addicted to it. You need help.”
A few more examples might help. A woman who repeatedly finds herself in relationships with abusive and unloving men follows a secret rule, “It’s acceptable for love to hurt; the contact and attention make the pain worth it,” over the more general rule that states, “Your love relationship should be productive and life-enhancing.” She tolerates and even expects disrespect because her secret rule continually allows her to do so. Furthermore, consider how a good cop feeling forced to violate his own ethical code will often bring an end to his suffering by “accidentally” making mistakes that lead to his own arrest. The policeman subconsciously seeks to punish himself because he knows how fundamentally wrong it is to break his secret rules that cry out, “Your integrity is more important than material profit.”
At the outset of this journey, you may find it difficult to distinguish general rules, influenced by laws and by culture, from your secret rules. Sometimes, the two seem very similar, and sometimes they actually are identical. But for the most part, secret rules are more numerous and situation-dependent than external laws and rules.
ARE MY SECRET RULES ESSENTIALLY ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIMITATIONS?
It is our secret rules set against the background of natural abilities and native culture that make us who we are. For example, an inherited talent to play concert-level piano may be in you, but it is your rules about the value of music and the meaning of success that drive you to excel at playing the piano. Sometimes the word “rules” sounds like a series of limitations, but this is a misunderstanding, for it is not synonymous with restrictions or limitations. Remember, a rule is not a law. Your rules give direction and meaning to your life. They motivate, excite, and support you.
Your secret rules should not be a matter of limitation. Rather, they should be a matter of direction. In other words, the world as you see it or as you think it ought to be determines your set of rules. Your personality is a function of your rules. The self that you know contains a collection of rules about how life is supposed to be. Therefore, it behooves you to know as much as you can about your own secret rules, to make sure the direction in which you are going is actually the one you want to be on.
So do your best to wipe away old stigmas about “rules” from the get-go. Think of the questions that you are about to answer over the next few chapters as an adventure in self-study. You are figuring out about the real you, not about what you can’t or shouldn’t do. More than anything else, self-knowledge means freedom—from unnecessary anxiety, disappointment, conflict.
Let’s face it. There is no way to prepare yourself for everything that occurs over the course of your life. You are forced to make difficult choices very quickly, based on your secret rules. Suppose by knowing what many of your secret rules are, you are able to avoid certain unhappy or even harmful experiences? Knowing your secret rules, then, may be much more important than you ever imagined.
Hypothetical, interesting, even frustrating scenarios can be posed in order to test your secret rules and therefore get you to learn more about yourself. The following ten chapters contain a series of questions and analyses that you should really think about if you want to operate as happily, healthily, and successfully as you can. These questions will help you identify who you are and how you can better live your life. Happiness is attained through choices, and choices are made according to your secret rules. Getting down to the secret rules that govern the way you respond will help you become truer and kinder to yourself. All you have to do now is take a little time to get to know yourself a whole lot better. Make a difference that will last a lifetime by uncovering your secret rules.
Reviews
"A superbly presented and highly recommended
informational and instructional guide to self-discovery, knowledge,
and empowerment."
--The Midwest Book Review
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